This story is in no way to be thought of a s direct translation. I'm telling all of you readers what I imagine when I read the Bible's account of Christmas. It's filled with anachronisms and additional, possibly fictitious descriptions. If you want an absolutely accurate account, read the actual passages I've referenced. I hope you'll think about Christmas in a new way after reading this:
{From Luke 1:26-39"}
God sent His angel, Gabriel, to Nazareth, Galilee
so that he could talk to Joseph's fiancée, a virgin named Mary.
The angel said to her, "Get excited! You are a very blessed woman because God has found favor with you."
Then Mary was like, "Oh crap, I'm going to die. Or else, I've gone crazy."
The angel saw her worried look and said, "Whoa, Mary. Seriously, don't freak out. God likes you.
In fact, pretty soon you'll be pregnant with a baby boy whose name will be Jesus.
He's going to be great, and God's going to give Him David's throne.
And, He'll reign over the Jews and His kingdom will last forever."
Then Mary did a double-take and said, "How can I be pregnant when I've never had sex?"
The angel replied, "God isn't limited by anything. So, Jesus' only Father will be God.
Elizabeth, your relative, is also pregnant. She, who was barren is now in last month of her second trimester.
Because, with God, nothing is impossible! Like I said, God is not limited."
Mary was floored by this news and said, "I'll serve the Lord and have this Baby!" Then, the angel left.
Mary went to visit Elizabeth for a while.
When she returned, she was showing.
Joseph was pretty hurt when he saw this and suspected that she had cheated on him while she was gone. If nothing else, he thought, Mary had dishonored him by being promiscuous. Besides, Mary was saying these crazy things about having God's baby and Joseph figured she must just be drawing inspiration from the mythologies. He figured that she was a nutcase.
{From Matthew 1:19-21}
But, since he was an 'honorable guy with good character', he decided he'd keep the info private and just forget about her so that the town wouldn't stone her to death for disobeying the law.
Then, he had a dream in which an angel appeared to him and said, "Joseph, Mary isn't crazy. Go ahead and marry her. God really is the Father of the Baby.
She'll have a Son, and you'll name Him Jesus because He's going to save people from their sins."
{From Matthew 1:24-25}
Then Joseph woke up, thought about everything, and decided that He'd do what the angel said. He and Mary were soon married.
And, Joseph and Mary didn't consummate the marriage until after Jesus had been born.
{From Luke 2:1-35}
A little while later, Caesar Agustus wanted to know where people were from, what their annual incomes were, how many children they had, etc. So, he decreed a census.
(This was during Quirinius' reign as governor.)
So, everyone had to travel in heavy traffic until they got back to the homes they had left.
Joseph (great-great-...-grandson of David) left Nazareth, Galilee and went to Bethlehem, Judea (where David was from).
Mary went with him. She was pregnant and fussy. The trip was especially hard on her back and she didn't enjoy it one bit. She wanted a tuna and peanut butter milkshake.
As it turns out, Mary's water broke and she had to give birth in a dung-scented stable in Bethlehem.
She gave birth to her first child, a Son. Then, she wrapped Him up tightly so He'd quit squirming out of the feed-trough. They were only in the stable because the inn had no vacancies. After all, there must have been many returning to Bethlehem for the census.
Not too far away, there was a gang of shepherds making sure their sheep didn't fall off of any cliffs or run away or get run over or eaten by predators.
All of the sudden, a shining man stepped out of nowhere and the area was illuminated by God's utter awesomeness. The shepherds cowered and nearly wet themselves.
Then, the shining man said "It's ok, guys. I've got some awesome news and you're going to be psyched!
Over in Bethlehem, the human incarnation of God was just born. He's going to save the world.
You're not being Punk'd. Look for an infant bundled up in a feed-trough."
Then, out of thin air, a bunch of more shiny, flying angels appeared and started worshiping God and belting out powerful sounding phrases like, "Let the most supreme Glory be to God; the earth be filled with peace and good will towards men!"
This went on for a while. Then, when the angels had gone back into the heavens and the shepherds had regained bladder control, they said to each other, "What the ****!?! That was awesome! We absolutely have to go check it out."
They dropped their sheepsticks and sprinted to the stable. When they caught their breaths again and stopped seeing spots, they found Mary, Joseph, and the Infant.
After they saw Him, they told all their friends and changed their facebook statuses to "*Shepherd's Name* is in awe" and would later comment on each other's pages and video blog it.
All the people who heard their story thought it was freaking awesome.
Mary stayed deep in thought for a while. And Joseph saw her get that look that mothers get all the time.
Then, that same night, the shepherds came back and danced and sang and bowed and worshipped.
Eight days later, the Infant was circumcised and named Jesus because an angel told Mary to name Him that before He was even two-celled.
After the three had waited out the "proper purification waiting time" of the day, they brought Jesus to to the city to be dedicated in a church.
It was the Abrahamic-monotheist thing to do.
They also slaughtered two little birdies according to the law of the Lord.
This old man named Simeon, who was very dedicated to the Scriptures and a really swell guy, had the Holy Spirit on him.
He knew that he wouldn't die before seeing God-On-Earth.
The Spirit led him to the temple. And, Mary and Joseph brought baby Jesus to the altar.
Simon had the honor of holding Him and performing the dedication which went something like this:
"Lord, now I can die happy.
I've seen the One who will save the world.
And, you're going to make this salvation known.
He's going to make the lost Gentiles see how to be saved and bring glory to the Israelites."
And Mary and Joseph blushed and talked in hushed tones wondering how they were supposed to deal with this weird old man saying all of this crazy stuff about their Kid.
Simeon went right on with the ceremony and said a blessing over the parents. Then he looked right at Mary and said,
"This Child is special. He's going to shake things up and bring about a sign that will be denied.
A sword will pierce right into your soul also so that a bunch of secrets will come to light."
Mary hoped she had what it would take to raise the Christ. She started to tear up.
{From Matthew 2:1-11}
After Jesus had been born in Judea in the days of Herod, the king, sages from the East came to Jerusalem.
They started asking, "Where is the Child who has been born King of the Jews? We saw His star to the South West while we were in the East and have come to worship Him.
When Herod heard this, his insecurities and fears led to outrage and made life miserable for the people of Jerusalem.
So, after he called a meeting with all the smartest people in Jerusalem, he asked them where this Christ would be born.
They said he'd be born in Bethlehem, Judea because a prophet had prophesied it:
"Bethlehem, you aren't the least of Judah; for out of you a Ruler will come who will act as Israel's Shepherd."
Then, Herod called a secret meeting with the sages and asked them when the star had appeared. He used their answer to figure out about how old Jesus would be by then.
He then sent the sages to Bethlehem and told them, "When you eventually find this Christ Child, come back and tell me so that I can worship Him too."
The sages left and kept following the star, which they had seen before, until it stood over Jesus' location.
Seeing the star again, the sages were elated and did nerdy dances while giving each other high fives.
After they eventually arrived at the house, they saw the young Child playing with His mother, Mary. Immediately, they bowed down and worshipped Him. Then they gave Him gifts of gold, perfume, and pricey medicine.
Afterwards, an angel warned them in a dream that Herod was a dirty liar and that they should take an alternate route back to their own country. They did so.
