Sometimes, I get all caught up in doing things. My mind races through what needs to happen and who's depending on me and what tomorrow holds. It makes me feel like I need to be strong. It makes me want to be hard and steady. But, it feels empty. The problem comes with the afters. After I write the last sentence, after I lock the door, after I drive back, after I sign off... There's a chilling sense of singularity inherent in finding satisfaction in accomplishment. It's totally unsettling. And, I must admit that I've struggled with it.

Sometimes, I want my heart to be the strongest, hardest, most dependable, unshakable. I want to be able to stand on my own merits and defend myself against any foe. I want to never be broken or beaten. But, there's a problem with this sort of advancement. Strengthening of this sort only comes from having almost been beaten; from having come dangerously close to being broken. Then, weaknesses are recognized and patched before something or someone can seize them. It works quite well until defeat eventually comes. Then, all of the shoddy patchwork is revealed. Then, the armor is shown to be mostly empty and drafty. And, the heart that was independent and unshakable lies helplessly and further injures itself with every clattering pulsation of its crusty encasing.

- - - - - - - - - - -

My heart was like this for a time. The scary thing is that it was a time when adversity seemed preoccupied and my life, charmed. Where was the surrender? I don't know. I thought I was compassionate though my judgements were swift and sure. I thought I was justified in stating loveless truths. God was always on my side. The world was wrong and I was not of the world. Surely it was my place to be righteously indignant...

Then, something inside me was broken by forces beyond my control. My fears rushed in. It felt like I had lost the worth that I had previously earned. My spirit shivered. It seemed like the air about me gave off a palpable discomfort.

So, I gave up.

For the first time, I truly realized that my best was just not good enough. Lucky for me, my not being good enough had already been taken care of. In my distress, I told God that He could do whatever He wanted with me. I was obviously screwing it all up. "I surrender". Then He started doing something. Honestly, it sucked for a while and was really uncomfortable. But, I guess change can only happen when you're made uncomfortable.

I started really seeing people. I mean, beforehand, I saw others. Now, I started seeing equals. They were popping up everywhere. I saw people who were worth knowing, not for a redeeming quality, but for the simple sake of knowing. At the time, it seemed like it was they who were becoming a we with me. Now, I see that it was I who became a we with them. I thought my heart would maybe grow stronger with the union. To my surprise, it was further broken. As my realization of my needs increased and my love began bleeding out, Christ held me together.

He showed me how life is meant to be embraced by making my heart flexible. I started loving Him unreasonably as He brought my pieces back together. I don't know if I can ever adequately explain the change. I do know that the questions seemed to turn into simple declarations.

Why do You love me? How is it possible that You could be so good? ...

You love me. You are good.

Previously, I thought my heart could fit the molds made by others. But, it was too hard. Only questions were left to fill the holes and ease the pressures. My ability to love was impeded by my inability to recognize the shape of my own heart. I thought it was fitting. I had been dulled to the draftiness of the fit. I had been forcing my heart to fit through sheer strength of will. And, with the best of intentions, I had miserably failed.

The change made my heart flexible. It would be foolish for me to claim that I now know its shape simply because it is constantly changing. However, I'm getting a better feel for compassion. Every now and again, my heart is squeezed like a sponge to fit another's mold. Every time it's squeezed, it leaks tears. Consequently, I cry way more than I did previously. But, I've taken solace in the documented tears of many of the Bible's masculine spiritual giants.

Life seems somehow lighter after the change... It makes me sad that more men don't see the joy of flexibility. I can say with certainty that my heart is not strong in any traditional sense of the word. Indeed, I can almost guarantee that it will be broken again soon. But, I have security in the knowledge that Jesus will be there every time to fix it up again. He has given me the flexure to bounce back from the brokenness. Now that my heart can fit more molds, I can relate to more people. Really, I think it's the fuller life Christ liked to speak of. For, love demands vulnerability. And, "we know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death" [1 John 3:14]. Before, I was saved, but I wasn't living eternally. Now, I recognize the ever-present need to do so due to time constraints.

It's quite strange really... I must live eternally now because I have a limited window of time in which to do so. There's a beauty in that though, the knowledge that the brokenness will eventually cease. That's worth living towards.

On Identity

A while ago, I was thinking about identity and how it applies to my belief systems. In a nutshell, I was trying to define to myself the identity of God. Then, I got to wondering: if identities are derived from constants, how can anyone define something that is infinite? God has been around since before there was past tense. He's seen every change everywhere. So, if my way of thinking about identity is right, the only thing that could define God is God himself. Then I remembered reading about a dialogue between Moses and God that takes place in Exodus 3. 

So, Moses is a little freaked because this bush that's on fire is telling him that God has heard the anguish of the slave nation of Israel, and it's time for the Israelites to go to some sort of utopia occupied by a bunch of crazy barbarian types. 

Then, God says, "Go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt." Moses flips. He basically says, "Are you serious, God? I'm pretty lame at parties and things and I don't have any cool talents." (that's a paraphrase, guys) God replies, "Don't sweat it. I''ll be with you. And, I'm freaking awesome." (also a paraphrase) So, Moses knows he has to do what this bush-burning God says. He still has questions, though. Says Moses, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?" 

Then God says something really monumental. I had never really paid attention or understood the significance before. He says, "Ehyeh asher ehyeh." which means "I am that I am" or, if you prefer, "I shall be that I shall be."

Do you see how perfect that answer is? He defines His existence using only His existence. Saying just three words, God is implying a whole bunch of things.

1. God is eternal. To most Christians, this seems like a no-brainer, but I bet there are many who require proof. Here's your proof, doubters. If God wasn't eternal, he would have defined His existence in reference to something else.
2. God's viewpoint is the only one that matters here. He wasn't given a name by others because He's existed since there were no others.
   
3. God never changes. See Malachi 3:6 for confirmation.
   

It seems then, that this eternal God is the ultimate point of reference. All things can be defined by subsequently higher powers, but the ultimate definition is based on the relationship with God. The New Testament makes it very clear that the only thing that really matters, when everything is said and done, is a person's relationship with God. That's pretty obvious. But, "Ehyeh asher ehyeh." seems to imply that there was a form of Christianity before Jesus.

It makes sense. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob all had very close relationships with The Almighty. "I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven."(Matt. 8:11) So did Elija. "Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind." (2Kings 2:11) So, it seems like God was the same before and after Jesus came. To get to heaven before Jesus, a person had to do a bunch of draining rituals and, most importantly have a good relationship with God. After Jesus, it gets easier, but the relationship is still the important thing.

I've chosen to define myself by my loving relationship with Ehyeh. If my beliefs are right, this is the best possible choice. If they're wrong, it doesn't matter anyway. If you're reading this and you haven't chosen yet, I encourage you to do so very soon.