6/12/09

Faith Comes By Hearing

Romans 10:17 "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ."

Faith is sort of hard for me to describe as I don't really have a grasp on it. Even the explanations given by those I know who live most righteously fall short of a level of complete understandability. Still, I want more of it. To me, faith seems to be a sort of key to unlocking God's power within and through us. Or, maybe it's more like a tool that equips us for tasks that previously were impossible. I think it has something to do with the spiritual nature of mankind and our own God-given abilities to influence and control (See some of my earlier writing for a more complete description of what I mean).

The best description I've heard is this: the act of believing, having faith, is simply to sit back and rest on God. It's sort of like trust I think. And, I'm not talking about trust in the same way that you trust your neighbor, who is washing his car, to not spray you with the hose. I'm talking about the sort of trust you put in a parachute when base jumping. You might be able to make the slow climb to the bottom. Maybe not. But, at the top, it seems like a viable option. Still, there's more meaning in the jump. You fall. You pull the cord. Then, you have nothing to do but sit back and rest on your parachute.

I wish I had a way to explain faith that didn't rely on analogy or metaphor, but I don't yet.

I use such an extreme case as a parachute because, based on my experiences, it seems that faith is only called into question when a person wants or needs something that is outside of his or her immediate control. And, desires and needs don't just go away. There's a sort of immediacy to the human will that desperately demands an exhaustion of resources. People will do everything possible to ensure that the desired thing is acquired or action accomplished. In my own case, I have to admit that faith is one of the less frequently utilized resources. I'd like that to change; not just for me, but for everyone with a case similar to mine.

Romans 10: 17 says that faith comes by hearing the word of Christ. It struck me recently how largely unspoken my faith is. That needs to change. How can faith spread if I don't spread it? If I don't attribute those actions of mine that can be perceived as righteous to the glory of Jesus Christ, what is the difference between my actions and those of anyone else? If faith, if believing is the thing that sets me apart from those who aren't in love with Christ, then my hesitation to speak has made me a closet Christian. Well, everybody, tonight I'm coming out Christian. And, since the love of Christ isn't something that can be owned or otherwise privatized while retaining its meaning, I've got something to share. Be warned: the following may sound a little bit crazy to those whose experiences have differed from my own.

I love Jesus. I am totally dumbfounded, in awe at the mere thought of how great He is. I don't mean was. I mean is. Because, He's alive. About 2,000 years ago, He lived a perfect life. And, when I say perfect, I mean that not one of his friends could ever deny His perfection. Not even His mom could find fault with Him. That's amazing to me. I know for a fact that every one of my closest friends and most of my acquaintances would have little, if any, trouble pointing out how flawed my life has been. Jesus was perfect. As crazy as it sounds, I believe it fully. I believe it because I've experienced life in the presence of a loving God. The Holy Spirit has changed me into a man I couldn't have become if left to my own efforts. Every good thing inside of me, every kind word and tasteful joke, every merciful response and loving correction is because of Jesus. I'm totally and completely enthralled by His love for me. It rules my thoughts. He gives meaning to this vapor of a life I lead. I know that there's no way to repay Him for His sacrifice for me. All my shouting and clapping and jumping and singing and writing and thinking and speaking can never express how truly awesome He is. I could never adequately express just how He's changed my life into something worth living. Yet, there's a sort of victory in the futility of the expression. My God is infinitely great! He created life and defeated death. At His slightest mental twitch, He could decimate the entire universe with His awesome power. All of this, and still He loves me. And, I don't know why except that it is His way to love...


It occurs to me that disciples of Christ don't talk about Him enough. It's like a hidden agreement exists among us sometimes. "We all love Jesus, right? Okay, 'nuff said." But, that's the opposite of what it should be. Couples in love can't help but talk about their ever-so-significant other. So, why is the story different among Christians? It shouldn't be. We should be championing Jesus' name every chance we get. People need to know just how wonderful He is. This is me starting to do just that. I hope those who haven't will begin to do the same.

I didn't plan on writing all of this, but I guess there are some who do or soon will need to read [hear] it. And, when the Holy Spirit moves on me, I just start writing what is present on my thoughts and truth comes out. Praise God.

If you're feeling something unsettling inside of you, this was for you especially. Time to make changes. You're ready for them.

6/10/09

Sometimes, I get all caught up in doing things. My mind races through what needs to happen and who's depending on me and what tomorrow holds. It makes me feel like I need to be strong. It makes me want to be hard and steady. But, it feels empty. The problem comes with the afters. After I write the last sentence, after I lock the door, after I drive back, after I sign off... There's a chilling sense of singularity inherent in finding satisfaction in accomplishment. It's totally unsettling. And, I must admit that I've struggled with it.

Sometimes, I want my heart to be the strongest, hardest, most dependable, unshakable. I want to be able to stand on my own merits and defend myself against any foe. I want to never be broken or beaten. But, there's a problem with this sort of advancement. Strengthening of this sort only comes from having almost been beaten; from having come dangerously close to being broken. Then, weaknesses are recognized and patched before something or someone can seize them. It works quite well until defeat eventually comes. Then, all of the shoddy patchwork is revealed. Then, the armor is shown to be mostly empty and drafty. And, the heart that was independent and unshakable lies helplessly and further injures itself with every clattering pulsation of its crusty encasing.

- - - - - - - - - - -

My heart was like this for a time. The scary thing is that it was a time when adversity seemed preoccupied and my life, charmed. Where was the surrender? I don't know. I thought I was compassionate though my judgements were swift and sure. I thought I was justified in stating loveless truths. God was always on my side. The world was wrong and I was not of the world. Surely it was my place to be righteously indignant...

Then, something inside me was broken by forces beyond my control. My fears rushed in. It felt like I had lost the worth that I had previously earned. My spirit shivered. It seemed like the air about me gave off a palpable discomfort.

So, I gave up.

For the first time, I truly realized that my best was just not good enough. Lucky for me, my not being good enough had already been taken care of. In my distress, I told God that He could do whatever He wanted with me. I was obviously screwing it all up. "I surrender". Then He started doing something. Honestly, it sucked for a while and was really uncomfortable. But, I guess change can only happen when you're made uncomfortable.

I started really seeing people. I mean, beforehand, I saw others. Now, I started seeing equals. They were popping up everywhere. I saw people who were worth knowing, not for a redeeming quality, but for the simple sake of knowing. At the time, it seemed like it was they who were becoming a we with me. Now, I see that it was I who became a we with them. I thought my heart would maybe grow stronger with the union. To my surprise, it was further broken. As my realization of my needs increased and my love began bleeding out, Christ held me together.

He showed me how life is meant to be embraced by making my heart flexible. I started loving Him unreasonably as He brought my pieces back together. I don't know if I can ever adequately explain the change. I do know that the questions seemed to turn into simple declarations.

Why do You love me? How is it possible that You could be so good? ...

You love me. You are good.

Previously, I thought my heart could fit the molds made by others. But, it was too hard. Only questions were left to fill the holes and ease the pressures. My ability to love was impeded by my inability to recognize the shape of my own heart. I thought it was fitting. I had been dulled to the draftiness of the fit. I had been forcing my heart to fit through sheer strength of will. And, with the best of intentions, I had miserably failed.

The change made my heart flexible. It would be foolish for me to claim that I now know its shape simply because it is constantly changing. However, I'm getting a better feel for compassion. Every now and again, my heart is squeezed like a sponge to fit another's mold. Every time it's squeezed, it leaks tears. Consequently, I cry way more than I did previously. But, I've taken solace in the documented tears of many of the Bible's masculine spiritual giants.

Life seems somehow lighter after the change... It makes me sad that more men don't see the joy of flexibility. I can say with certainty that my heart is not strong in any traditional sense of the word. Indeed, I can almost guarantee that it will be broken again soon. But, I have security in the knowledge that Jesus will be there every time to fix it up again. He has given me the flexure to bounce back from the brokenness. Now that my heart can fit more molds, I can relate to more people. Really, I think it's the fuller life Christ liked to speak of. For, love demands vulnerability. And, "we know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death" [1 John 3:14]. Before, I was saved, but I wasn't living eternally. Now, I recognize the ever-present need to do so due to time constraints.

It's quite strange really... I must live eternally now because I have a limited window of time in which to do so. There's a beauty in that though, the knowledge that the brokenness will eventually cease. That's worth living towards.

6/3/09

To people who like reading my writing:

Sorry it's taking me so long to put up something new. Spiritually speaking, I'm pretty thick-skulled most of the time. So, God has to work extra hard on me. Anyway, I just thought I should say that Jesus is awesome. And, if you haven't lately, or if you have and aren't otherwise occupied, you should take out your Bible and read a bit. I heard this sermon a few months ago about the importance of keeping an open line of communication with Christ. One part really stuck out to me. The speaker said that, when you read your Bible, even when you don't feel anything or realize it, the Holy Spirit is working inside of you. That hit me like a ton of bricks (or some other really heavy conglomeration of stuff with a moderate amount of surface area). I know it's a little obvious, but I'd never really thought about Bible reading that way. It was a spiritual song subject when I was five, then a heavy talking point in Sunday School until I was twelve, then a form of spiritual discipline and a way to study Jesus. I had never really realized that Word becoming flesh could happen through such a passive sort of process.

Anyway, my Bible has a gravity to it now that it never had before I started sharing my spiritual experiences more publicly (as they should be shared). I notice a difference in my days when I take time out to love on Jesus. It's a good difference. You should get to experience the same sort of thing. So, if you aren't busy, or if you can manage to take a while away from whatever time sink has your interest, go open up your Bible and spend some time getting lifted.

I just wanted to pass the Word along.