They lined the streets with silence, a somber sense of reflection filling the void of their words. A hero was gone...

He was not gone by his own choice. He had been full of life. It spilled out of the laughter that inevitably followed all of his escapades. We couldn't help but love him. There was life in every hug he gave and hand he shook. He was full of it. It infected everyone around him. The choice of death was not in him.

They smiled softly as their memories ran to him, stayed with him. Slowly, the memories turned into stories to be shared. Though their smiles faded as eyes clouded with the regret of time lost, the depth of their feelings lingered on. They were filled with sorrow at having to reminisce so soon. But, they did. And, though the joy of experience was now changed into mere fondness of memory, it brought color to the dark situation...

Life infected everyone around him. It was contagious. Sometimes, it seemed like he was immune to the gravity of severe situations, as if pressure couldn't find him. He had a certain lightness of spirit. However, he was not without a sense of honor. He had honor to spare. Indeed, it was an honor just to know him. He brought everyone around him to their most lively states. His life could only be described as "full". The choice of death was not in him.

There they stood in the darkness, the silence pierced only by the toll of their grief, each tear ringing out a haunting, "Why?". The toll was great, though they knew the answer before their aches asked the question. The answer was a small comfort...

Though the choice of death was not in him, his great sense of honor led him to sacrifice. His comfort for our comfort. His freedom for our freedom. His life for our lives. It was a sacrifice made necessary by a war much bigger than he was. And, I'm absolutely sure that, had he known the great cost, he would have chosen sacrifice every time the chance was presented. He wasn't one to back down. He was a doer through and through. And, his final act, fighting for the freedom of so many, touched us all. His sacrifice was much bigger than he was.

They knew he had died for them. And, their grief was overwhelming. The pressure that couldn't find him instead found them and loosed their tears. Tears of sorrow and fondness and anguish and remembrance and love. And, the only comfort they found was in Christ. For, he had been a follower. They knew it was only a matter of time. They would see him again in a place full of life, devoid of the anguish and sorrow of loss. They would see him again, so they knew it was only a matter of time. Still, their tears rang out for the time with him that they had lost...

Slowly, healing will come. Slowly, the scar of sorrow will mend. But, it will not be forgotten. He will never be forgotten.

-In Loving Memory of Shawn Patrick Hefner

12/04/1986 - 11/13/2009

Life Changes

If you read my posts before this, you know I'm a bit frustrated with the current state of evangelism at UT. That frustration is probably the closest I've ever come to a feeling of righteous indignation (I'm not sure it is possible to be righteously indignant, but the phrase will probably bring an accurate picture to the minds of those in "my circle" who read this). I think the frustration is the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I think so because it has "born fruit". In my frustrated sauntering, an idea hit me that seems beautiful and daunting to me. I don't usually think of ideas that are simultaneously beautiful and daunting, so I'm confident this idea is more of the Holy Spirit's prompting.

Here's the deal: UT is filled with an incredible amount of passionate people who are probably more aware of the importance of life than they have ever been before. This awareness inspires them to act in accordance with their beliefs so that others might catch whatever visions they have. And, the most visible, action is "tabling". Organization representatives rent tables from the UT Tower and set them up in the adjacent West Mall, probably the most frequented place on campus. The representatives talk to passersby about the values of their organization and try to illicit membership or funds or give away SWAG [Stuff We All Get] or literature containing organizational information.

I pass these people on a regular basis when I'm going in and out of the Texas Union (which has incredibly comfy chairs upstairs that are excellent for naps, on two of which I am currently sitting). I pass these people, but I'd never thought much about them until I spent the day listening to the leading of the Spirit. Finally, I did think about them. Thought:

"Why hasn't anybody set up a table to champion the love of Christ to whoever's interested?"

There is nothing I'm more passionate about than the awesome love of Jesus Christ. He died for our sins so He could be resurrected and free us from them. But, I have never dedicated even part of my schedule to spreading the news about it. I've dedicated blocks of time to studying all of the implications of this fact, to my own spiritual self improvement. But, I've learned nothing if I haven't learned the importance of sharing the good news. Things are taking a turn for the better now. My life is being changed by an inspiration for action. This "tabling for Jesus" idea has been ruling my think-space for a while now. And, it has definitely been a God thing.

I think it's pretty crazy how unintentionally synchronized the church can be. I don't mean that the church intends to be chaotic or anything. Obviously, pastors and speakers want to say the things God puts on their hearts. But, there's no published nationwide agenda for Christian teachers that I've ever seen. Still, it's not uncommon for the messages from different church bodies to coincide with each other.

My dormant passion for evangelism was rekindled first by a message given by Matt Carter at the Austin Stone. He spoke on the first chapter or two of the book of Acts. In his sermon, he pointed out something I'd never noticed before. Acts 1:8 says

You shall receive power after the Holy Spirit comes upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria and the end of the earth.

The part I'd never noticed is the "you shall be" part. You shall be. That means, what we are after the Holy Spirit begins to dwell with us is witnesses. We are witnesses. Until I heard that, I thought I was an engineering student who was also a follower of Christ. But, that's not the case. I'm a follower of Christ who is also an engineering student. Everything that defines me is secondary to my being a witness. The Holy Spirit comes upon you. Then, you shall be. It's so definite and final. You shall. It's not an optional thing that you can choose not to participate in or something. Witnessing is not what you do, it's who you are. This blew my mind.

The Thursday following that Sunday message, I went to my small church meeting (West Campus Community Group). The topic of discussion? That's right: evangelism. It was pretty perfect because I had been reading 1 Peter which is full of instructions for believers and includes a verse that I've always clung to for motivation:

Sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear. 1 Peter 3:15

Turns out, that was the first verse that was brought up in discussion. Afterwards, I told the mini-church about the "tabling for Jesus" concept and was met with excitement. Since I had to rush off to tutoring, I couldn't stay around long to talk ideas, but I had already collected the necessary form to make it happen. So, I gave that to my friend (and Student Organization Chair), Austin, to sign. He's going to talk to the Hyde Park youth group leader to make sure everything we think to be okay really is okay. Afterwards, we're doing this.

I'm excited, to say the least.

The following weekend, I went to church with my parents while I was in SA. The sermon, as it turns out, was about 1 Peter 3:15. So, I guess I need to be ready now more than ever...

To me, this whole series of events is pretty awesome. It's like God has spoken to me, and everything is just lining up and falling into my lap. Honestly, I am a little terrified of sitting there at the table, having no clue what will happen. But, I know that I'm in this specific place at this specific time because I've been lead here. So, this is just the next thing to do.

If you're reading this, and you haven't spent a day listening to the Spirit, I think it's time you do. Crazy awesome things happen when God speaks.

Regardless

Sometimes, my life doesn't go along with my plan for it. I'm a planner. I spend a great deal of time thinking about what is to come. In fact, I probably spend more time thinking about the future than I do the present. Naturally, with all that thinking comes planning. I don't think I'm very unique in that aspect either. Of course, I tend to think that everyone is similar to me. Still, I've never met someone who had no answer when I asked, "What's your plan?"

Sometimes, my life doesn't match up with the plans. And, it's frustrating and confusing. It's frustrating because plans tend to lead to expectations. It's incredibly difficult to never expect anything. It's confusing because I love Christ. My entire identity is encapsulated in Him. Without Him, who is Curtis? I have no idea. So I seek further intimacy with Him all the time. I long to see as He would see and decide as He would decide. What's more, I have this great resource in the Bible to draw upon for direction. The Bible is full of situations similar to mine regardless of which situation I'm in at the time. And, knowing all of this, it becomes easier to recognize which way would be right; not most right necessarily, but right none the less.

When something in life doesn't match the plans, two options are presented: resist what doesn't match or change the plans. Actually, there are many more options, but simplicity is nice. Anyway, it's rarely easy to be sure which of the two options is best to take. That's where things get confusing.

At times like those, it's important to remember that we don't know the whole story. Information is incredibly limited. I guess the only feasible option is the unlisted one: wait on God. He knows what's behind everything: the reasons, intentions, actions. He knows where it's all going. He knows which way is most right. He knows and leads when we wait. So, waiting is the only option. If only it were as easy to do as it is to type...

Who is Jesus?

As I was walking from the Co-op (campus book/memorabilia store) to the Tower, I was approached by four different people trying to hand me missionary stuff. Three of them were trying to give me a green, pocket-sized New Testament (plus Psalms and Proverbs) while the other one tried to hand me a track (why are they called "tracks"?) that was also a church advertisement. Two of the them were successful. This is my third pocket New Testament. If anybody wants it, message me somehow.

Anyway, this impersonal, semi-invasive way of "witnessing" got me thinking about the real deal. That's right, I don't consider the handing out of tracks to be the real deal. I'm not saying it's bad to hand out tracks or Bibles, but I think it's a bit delusional to expect to attract people to Christ that way. We know that the Word of God is never useless or ineffective [Isaiah 55:11]. So, someone is definitely benefitting from the hand-outs. But, if I wasn't in love with Jesus and someone handed me a Bible before I could think to politely refuse, I would view it as Christian propaganda and set it on an elevated flat surface in a place to which I didn't plan on returning.

I tend to be judgmental in my decision-making though, so I'm trying to be more open-minded and discerning. Then again, I'm only trying to be so because I'm in love with Jesus. He makes me want to be open to good things. So, again, I'm inclined to think that Bible pushing is an ineffective way of ministering to the lost. It is very effective at supplying church members with the Most Dangerous Book Ever Written though.

This train of thought made me think about how I would minister to someone who was genuinely open to the Word. If the Spirit led me, how would I convince someone else that Christ's way is better than the way of society or the world or whatever? Now, I tend to speak (or write, if you will) about ministering in the hypothetical sense because I suck at it. Seriously, I'm not good. If someone asked me to write about Christ, then I'd be totally comfortable. I love to write. I blog about my thoughts and feelings because it seems entirely natural to me. I even enjoy reading. Visual words speak to me. But, people don't ask for essays. Well, I do sometimes but people laugh. Most people prefer to dialogue. There's something wonderful about oral/audial communication that just speaks to us... Seriously, it's enjoyable to talk.

If people don't ask for essays, why am I writing this? I'm writing because it's what I do. And, the next time someone asks me something that relates, I'll have a good idea of what my response will be.

Back to the point: ministering. At the heart of every ministry, there must be one question. Ministries do things. Some ministries are simple and involve only conversations and righteous living. Some ministries are complicated and involve hundreds of people doing things for thousands of people. But, I don't classify an act as a ministry unless it results from the desire to answer one powerful question: Who is Jesus?

That's a tough question. It's tough because, if there's an adequate answer, it's long and not simple. I think the answer to the question reveals an incredible amount of information about the answerer. "Who is Jesus" exposes motives and desires and depth of understanding. In fact, as I'm sitting here writing this sentence and forming the rest of this blog post in my head, I'm wondering if I'm completely wrong about some things. Maybe "Who is Jesus" actually DOES get simpler with increased understanding... Even if it does, I am constantly limited by my own current level of understanding. So, I'll just write about who Jesus is to me and pray that someone's life is enriched somehow by reading it. Maybe the next time I write or speak about Him, I'll have a better answer.

Who is Jesus?

Jesus is my best friend. It's kind of strange in a worldly sort of sense to say so, but it is truth. My best friend has no singular body I can hug or tackle. I've thought about wrestling with Jesus a bit. Would He totally own me because He knows everything in the universe, or would He let me beat Him every time because He knows His worth comes from God, not winning? I guess I'll have to wait until I get to heaven to find out for sure. Anyway, Jesus is my best friend. He sticks with me through everything. If life is good, it's because my Lord has made it to be so; Jesus sticks with me and laughs at the silly ways I do things. If life is hard, it's because my Father is challenging me or allowing me to be challenged to continually live eternally; Jesus sticks with me and comforts me and reminds me that He's there even when it doesn't feel like it. Jesus sticks with me. He doesn't even leave when I go to sleep.

In my mind, I always see Jesus as a dark-skinned, homely, long haired guy who is a little taller than me. I frequently imagine Him sitting near a camp fire with His disciples and looking at me across the fire with a the reminiscent sort of half smile my mom is always making. When I know I'm in the wrong, I see Him shake His head, eyes filled with pity and regret, then He says, "Don't you remember what you're worth to Me"? When I'm victorious, He smiles and shares in the celebration. When I'm worried, He scoots over and we sit together in silence. Every so often, when I could do with the reminder, He says, "I'm still here, and I still love you."

Jesus is a master listener. He hears what I like and dislike and want and avoid and feel and think and laugh about. He listens when I ask for advice or guidance and has an awesome way of surprising me with His responses. I guess it's just the human in me, but I'm always in awe when my prayer is answered. It's sort of conflicting. I pray to a God who listens and answers, but I'm in shock when He does. Maybe it's just that His goodness is so much better than the good I imagine...

Have I not already said that? Jesus is good. He is shockingly good. Every day seems like it was made for me just so I could find out how good He is. I really don't even know how to begin to describe His goodness. It's just so pure. Jesus is the hope in me. Even when I suffer, when grades are stressing me out, when I've got a stomach virus, when I get a citation, when I'm rejected, I'm still filled with this hope that things will turn out good in the end. I'm absolutely certain that the hope doesn't come from me. But, it's there. It's there because Jesus is so mind-bogglingly good. It's ridiculous.

Jesus is accepting. My name is Curtis Hefner, and I have a problem. I'm lousy at living righteously. I'm selfish and obstinate and I laugh at things Christ wouldn't. Even when I'm trying my very best, my life is full of failure. The greatest offering I can give God is like soggy tampons [Isaiah 64:6]. Still, Jesus accepts me. Loves me even. He must be crazy about me. If He wasn't, He would've left by now. I'm awful at reciprocating. I ignore Him sometimes, then run back when I realize why my day is going so badly. He takes me back every single time. He never even jokes about not taking me back. He knows all the garbage that doesn't get published on this blog, and still He loves me. And, His love rules me.

Jesus is my salvation. He's the intermediary between God and me. He tells me I'm better than the idiotic things I do. He tells me to follow Him. His words rock me to the core. He calls out all of the passion I possess. He defines me. Every thing that I do is for the glory of His name, or it's worthless. He holds me together. He is the target, and I am the arrow. He is my life. And, without Him, I wouldn't be here today. The world is too hard. I'm too soft. I could never handle it alone. He makes it so that I don't have to.

I could sing His praises for ever and still miss things. Now's not the time for that though. Now, I'm simply going to live my life trying to find out more about who He is. It's really all I'm capable of anyway.

I'm going to screw up sometimes. Sometimes, the things I try will fail. Lucky for me, the God I serve is greater than my inadequacies. Even in my failed attempts, He will be glorified. And, THAT is the reason for the hope that is in me. [1 Peter 3:15]

What is it in us that pleas for justice? What is it that jumps and screams and stands in awe of sacrifice? Why is it beautiful? How should we even know that it is in the first place? What is it inside of us that defies tyranny and rejoices in redemption?

I am convinced that it is that God-given, mysterious fire we call love.

Love leaps at justice done anywhere. Though it is of no consequence to the observer but the simple knowledge of what has been done; though there is pain engrained in justice, for justice is deliverance; though it is no about glory or grace or form, it is beautiful.

It is beautiful because it is what we yearn for beneath our reason and method. It is beautiful because it frees the known and the unknown. It is beautiful because it should be.

Justice occurs when something, which should have happened already, finally does. And, its happening stirs us. It calls to our closest selves and shouts and cries and laughs. Its happening renews our faith and brightens the dark places.

In its true, pure form, justice has been, is, and will always be a result of selfless love. Justice is just a tiny glimpse of the world as it could be, should be, will be. Justice is just the smallest inkling of the goodness of God.

Justice cannot be served, though it results from service. Justice cannot be bought or sold or traded. It is always given. Justice is neither rebuke nor revenge, but redemption.

Justice is not the spoil of war, but the reward of peace. It is not that the killers have been slain, but that the innocent have not. It is protection and preservation of what is good.

It is grace... grace which cannot be purchased with the blood of a thousand bullets, cannot be taken by the stares of a thousand troops. It is grace which can only be given by Grace Himself.

Some may trust in horses. Some may trust in chariots. But, we will trust in the name of the Lord our God. [Psalm 20:7]

Living Eternally

I think it rather odd how I am affected by small things. I usually don't even realize just how affected I've been until much later when I'm able to look back.

"A Christian is someone who always does their best." - (I have no idea)

I've tried and tried, but I can't seem to remember where it was I heard that. But, hearing it left an impression on me years ago. Granted, there's a lot more to being a Christian than merely trying your best. But the idea has a beautiful sort of simplicity to it, doesn't it?

The term "Christian" is first coined in the Acts [11:26] which is all about the early church and their new Way of living. And, the early church had it ROUGH. They were being hunted and persecuted and executed and spat upon. To follow Christ in the days of the early church, you had to constantly do your best. Do your best to live righteously, act mercifully, think strategically, speak boldly, proceed cautiously, die valiantly. In the time immediately after Christ's resurrection and ascension, it was unpopular to be a Christian (to say the least). Unfortunately for the church and everyone who watches us, that fact has changed.

No longer is there such an intense dichotomy between the church and everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT want anyone to be killed for entertainment purposes because of a desire to serve Jesus Christ. However, if that sort of overwhelming pressure existed today, you can bet people would take their faith much more seriously. Instead, Jesus' name has been turned into a kind of brand name or platform. Time and time again, I've seen self-proclaiming Christians speak out in anger against political figures or causes or programs. I've watched award shows in which the musician, whose "parental advisory" toting album has just gone platinum, first thanks God for the success. I've lost track of how many foul-mouthed sports stars have paid homage to God during their victory dances.

It makes me wonder what sort of God we've been portraying. That the American public would find it fitting to credit this portrayal of God with such worldly concerns... it concerns me.

It is our job as the church to show each other and everyone else who our Lord is. And, I can't help but think that we've been miserably failing at it. And, if we're failing, it can only be for lack of trying. Isaiah [55:11] says that God's word does not return void but instead accomplishes the purpose God intends it for. So, if we speak the word of God into the lives of those around us, we can't help but further extend the reach of the kingdom of heaven. If we speak the word of God into the lives of those around us, we can't fail. If we try our best, we can't fail.

As a whole, we've been failing.

For me, the problem comes from a selfish desire to preserve the level of comfort of my social standing, even among my Christian brothers and sisters. While it may be acceptable in nearly all circles to claim a relational attachment to Christ, speaking the truthful candor of His words is regarded almost universally as uncouth. God's Word cuts to the quick of the spirit. Very few react positively to even the most gracious reproach. What's more, I've never considered myself particularly gracious... That tends to take the courage right out of me. I want to cling to my comfort zone. But then I reread Paul's writings.

In Colossians [3:16-17], Paul urges Christians to

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (NIV)

Those are some lofty instructions from where I'm sitting. But, they really shouldn't be. Maybe it's because I grew up in a charismatic church, but I have trouble admonishing even my closest Christian peers. Then again, Paul never says, "teach and admonish... unless you're too intimidated". He urges us to have gusto. And, it makes sense. If I do my best, my actions will be bold simply because I am capable of boldness.

So, it's our job as Christians to call each other to live with higher standards. But, there's more. We are to do and say everything in the name of Jesus, living in a constant state of thanksgiving. In a nutshell, that's worship. Paul is telling us to do everything as an act of worship... Everything. That's big. If you're going to do everything as an act of worship, you'll have to always do your best. Think about it: if you're not doing your best, could you really call your action worship? Worship is a means of expressing those abstract attributes that describe a relationship with God: love, adoration, respect, reverence, joy, humility, meekness, boldness, passion, service. And, since we serve the Most High, the Almighty God, how could we offer anything less than our best?

This school year, I'll be striving to reclaim the name of Jesus for the glory of God, not the touting of success or bashing of corporate policies. I think everyone should be striving to do the same. We need to inject the passion of our best into the idea of Christianity. We've been apathetic for too long. I've been apathetic for too long...

I'm calling out myself and all of my Christian brothers and sisters. It's time we really started living out our best, always being thankful in the realization that we are limited in our time on this earth. It's time we started living eternally, differentiating ourselves from everyone else lacking in the strength and motivation and joy that comes from a full life with Christ. After all, we are the salt of the earth [Matthew 5:13].

I don't know who this is for, but I have this message pulsing around inside right now. It might not even be for right now. But, sometime, someone will read this and know that Christ cares. He cared enough to urge me to write. Sometimes the Spirit comes on me and gives me a message for another. I'm new at prophesy. These are not my words but, they are truth. So I write, His words through me.

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Have you forgotten that I am with you? I am with you. I am around you. I love you. This loneliness is not for you. No more. I love you. I came so you wouldn't have to keep feeling this way. You are so precious to Me. You are mine. You belong to Me. Don't you know I made you? I saw every part of you go into place. You are as you are because I made you that way. I don't make mistakes. You are no mistake. You are my love. You are on my mind constantly. Why do you feel forgotten? I love you.

Remember where you came from. Remember what I brought you through. I put you in this place. Trust me. Trust me, and see what I will do. You can't even imagine how wonderful it will be. Wait on me. Wait and see what I will do.

I am here. I am here when you feel alone and rejected and angry. I am here when you can't see the good. I am here loving you and waiting for you to rest in Me. I am here when the darkness seems unbearable and your hope is gone. I am here when there is nothing else. Let Me hold you.

I want what you are holding back. I want all of you. Everything. I can handle it. I want to handle it for you. Trust in me. I love you. Let Me show you how it can be. It won't be easy. But, it will be right. You know it will. You know, and yet you wait. Come to Me and let go. I will catch you and hold you. I love you. Do you not know?! Still, you wait. Come to Me. I love you so much. I loved you before you had breath. I loved you before you knew of Me. I loved you before everything was.

You wonder if I hear you. You wonder if I think of you? I think of you. I watch you and love you. You can't even imagine. You are special to me. You are like no one else. My love for you is unimaginable.

You feel you are weak. I will make you strong. I will be your strength. Reach for Me and I will touch you. Reach for me. I love you.

Don't forget this.

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If this hits you hard. Don't pass this over. It's for you.

While I was typing, I felt like I've never felt before. I can't even explain it save to say that it was awesome. Jesus is really crazy about you. And, I figure you weren't really expecting to get this here. But, that's just His way.

Rethinking Worship

This summer, I've been attending a Baptist church (FBCSA). It has been an interesting experience. I've got to admit that I don't necessarily agree with the things they don't do. So far, I've had no problem with the things they are doing or saying. But, some things are a bit strange to me. For instance, they don't clap their hands after a worship song. I grew up in a pretty charismatic, bordering-on-pentecostal church where we clapped after every song. "Clap your hands all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy" [Psalm 47:1]. That was the way I learned to worship - expressively, freely, loudly. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom [2 Corinthians 3:17]. So, I learned to worship in a freedom that only comes when you can sense the Holy Spirit living in yourself and those around you. This Baptist church doesn't worship like that. Initially, I saw that as a bad thing.

I've got to admit that I sometimes suffer from "Doctrinal Brick Wall Syndrome". Sometimes, without even realizing that I'm doing it, I think of others as being "less Christian" than I am. That's just the wrong way of thinking. I know that. The disciples asked Jesus who would be greatest, then he drops a philosophical bomb by claiming that the first shall be last and the last, first [Matt 19:30]. It turns out that loving God is more of a relationship thing than a status thing... Go figure, right? Anyway, sometimes I think that my beliefs MUST be correct and everyone else is just less Christian than I am. I remembered how foolish that thinking was during choir practice last Wednesday (I'm in the church choir).

The choir director was explaining how important it is to be singing the song, not just the words. Rather, the words of the song are nice and all, but worship is all about intention. We really mean those beautiful words we sing about "How Sweet The Name of Jesus Is" or whatever. But, if we aren't being musical about our singing, really perceiving the whole picture and striving to give shape to those reverential values we feel, then we aren't worshipping.

Now, I didn't expect to have a eureka moment, but I guess no one ever expects to have them. Still, I had a eureka moment. I realized how small my "worship box" was. It's ridiculous to think that there is somehow a correct way to worship God. That's preposterous. Worship is expressing in some way the abstract concepts of love, adoration, respect, etc. There are most definitely many incorrect ways to worship, ways that are simply wrong. However, there's no one correct way that trumps the others. Worship is about expression.

The Baptists at the church were worshipping differently than what I was used to. But, I realized that I needed to change, not the worship. I've become comfortable with expressing how passionate God makes me feel by singing my lungs out and raising my hands and clapping and crying for joy. Until now though, I had never really expressed the reverent, quieting sense of awe that is so frequently expressed in this Baptist church. My worship has grown.

-----

I've always wondered why it is that parents are so proud of the atrocious, unimpressive performances their children are always doing in school or church or little league or whatever. I mean, kids are usually pretty awful at performing things. I don't subject myself to watching preschoolers sing "This Little Light of Mine" or something similar unless I know one of the preschoolers who is singing. However, I do enjoy hearing The Vocal Majority or some other organized, professional group sing "This Little Light of Mine" or anything really. What's the difference? If it's fair to assume (and I think it is) that the men in "The Vocal Majority" were once preschoolers singing "This Little Light of Mine", then the most obvious difference is time. Preschoolers become grade schoolers, high schoolers, collegiate ers[?], professionals. Musical comprehension and understanding grows with time. And, since my life span will likely be around 80 years, those 30-60 year olds seem pretty awesome. What does God think?

God has always existed. So, if you imagine the largest number of years possible, then multiply it by 10 million, God is still older than that. Think about this: God created our ability to conceive sequences of sounds as being musical. God invented music. All of it. Music? Yeah, it was His idea. He knows what perfect music is like, if there is such a thing. So, if the thing that makes performances greater is an increased understanding that only comes with time, then our very best music must sound like banging rocks together or something. Come to think of it, maybe that's why Jesus said that if we fail to praise God, the rocks will cry out [Luke 19:40]. Maybe it would all sound the same anyway.

"All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment." [Isaiah 64:6] Filthy garment is originally "ukabeged ehdim" which translates more literally into "rags of menstruation" or, more modernly, "soggy tampons". I think soggy tampons are among the grossest things ever, and I can't help but think Isaiah giggled when he wrote that. Anyway, this seems to agree with my theory of worship improving in time. Since God has been around infinitely longer than we have, we could never impress him with our worship. It would all just sound like soggy tampons splattering or something... (Great mental picture isn't it?)

Love makes it good, though. It's true; parents love their kids, so they delight in their less-than-impressive performances. I think the same goes for God and our worship. Psalm 69:30-31 says that God takes joy in being praised by His people. And, we are only His people because He first loved, and continues to love us.

So, since we are all His children, I figure God watches the professional-looking, organized adult choir and sees a bunch of preschoolers that he loves. And that is why there's no "correct" way to worship.

Faith Comes By Hearing

Romans 10:17 "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ."

Faith is sort of hard for me to describe as I don't really have a grasp on it. Even the explanations given by those I know who live most righteously fall short of a level of complete understandability. Still, I want more of it. To me, faith seems to be a sort of key to unlocking God's power within and through us. Or, maybe it's more like a tool that equips us for tasks that previously were impossible. I think it has something to do with the spiritual nature of mankind and our own God-given abilities to influence and control (See some of my earlier writing for a more complete description of what I mean).

The best description I've heard is this: the act of believing, having faith, is simply to sit back and rest on God. It's sort of like trust I think. And, I'm not talking about trust in the same way that you trust your neighbor, who is washing his car, to not spray you with the hose. I'm talking about the sort of trust you put in a parachute when base jumping. You might be able to make the slow climb to the bottom. Maybe not. But, at the top, it seems like a viable option. Still, there's more meaning in the jump. You fall. You pull the cord. Then, you have nothing to do but sit back and rest on your parachute.

I wish I had a way to explain faith that didn't rely on analogy or metaphor, but I don't yet.

I use such an extreme case as a parachute because, based on my experiences, it seems that faith is only called into question when a person wants or needs something that is outside of his or her immediate control. And, desires and needs don't just go away. There's a sort of immediacy to the human will that desperately demands an exhaustion of resources. People will do everything possible to ensure that the desired thing is acquired or action accomplished. In my own case, I have to admit that faith is one of the less frequently utilized resources. I'd like that to change; not just for me, but for everyone with a case similar to mine.

Romans 10: 17 says that faith comes by hearing the word of Christ. It struck me recently how largely unspoken my faith is. That needs to change. How can faith spread if I don't spread it? If I don't attribute those actions of mine that can be perceived as righteous to the glory of Jesus Christ, what is the difference between my actions and those of anyone else? If faith, if believing is the thing that sets me apart from those who aren't in love with Christ, then my hesitation to speak has made me a closet Christian. Well, everybody, tonight I'm coming out Christian. And, since the love of Christ isn't something that can be owned or otherwise privatized while retaining its meaning, I've got something to share. Be warned: the following may sound a little bit crazy to those whose experiences have differed from my own.

I love Jesus. I am totally dumbfounded, in awe at the mere thought of how great He is. I don't mean was. I mean is. Because, He's alive. About 2,000 years ago, He lived a perfect life. And, when I say perfect, I mean that not one of his friends could ever deny His perfection. Not even His mom could find fault with Him. That's amazing to me. I know for a fact that every one of my closest friends and most of my acquaintances would have little, if any, trouble pointing out how flawed my life has been. Jesus was perfect. As crazy as it sounds, I believe it fully. I believe it because I've experienced life in the presence of a loving God. The Holy Spirit has changed me into a man I couldn't have become if left to my own efforts. Every good thing inside of me, every kind word and tasteful joke, every merciful response and loving correction is because of Jesus. I'm totally and completely enthralled by His love for me. It rules my thoughts. He gives meaning to this vapor of a life I lead. I know that there's no way to repay Him for His sacrifice for me. All my shouting and clapping and jumping and singing and writing and thinking and speaking can never express how truly awesome He is. I could never adequately express just how He's changed my life into something worth living. Yet, there's a sort of victory in the futility of the expression. My God is infinitely great! He created life and defeated death. At His slightest mental twitch, He could decimate the entire universe with His awesome power. All of this, and still He loves me. And, I don't know why except that it is His way to love...

It occurs to me that disciples of Christ don't talk about Him enough. It's like a hidden agreement exists among us sometimes. "We all love Jesus, right? Okay, 'nuff said." But, that's the opposite of what it should be. Couples in love can't help but talk about their ever-so-significant other. So, why is the story different among Christians? It shouldn't be. We should be championing Jesus' name every chance we get. People need to know just how wonderful He is. This is me starting to do just that. I hope those who haven't will begin to do the same.

I didn't plan on writing all of this, but I guess there are some who do or soon will need to read [hear] it. And, when the Holy Spirit moves on me, I just start writing what is present on my thoughts and truth comes out. Praise God.

If you're feeling something unsettling inside of you, this was for you especially. Time to make changes. You're ready for them.

Sometimes, I get all caught up in doing things. My mind races through what needs to happen and who's depending on me and what tomorrow holds. It makes me feel like I need to be strong. It makes me want to be hard and steady. But, it feels empty. The problem comes with the afters. After I write the last sentence, after I lock the door, after I drive back, after I sign off... There's a chilling sense of singularity inherent in finding satisfaction in accomplishment. It's totally unsettling. And, I must admit that I've struggled with it.

Sometimes, I want my heart to be the strongest, hardest, most dependable, unshakable. I want to be able to stand on my own merits and defend myself against any foe. I want to never be broken or beaten. But, there's a problem with this sort of advancement. Strengthening of this sort only comes from having almost been beaten; from having come dangerously close to being broken. Then, weaknesses are recognized and patched before something or someone can seize them. It works quite well until defeat eventually comes. Then, all of the shoddy patchwork is revealed. Then, the armor is shown to be mostly empty and drafty. And, the heart that was independent and unshakable lies helplessly and further injures itself with every clattering pulsation of its crusty encasing.

- - - - - - - - - - -

My heart was like this for a time. The scary thing is that it was a time when adversity seemed preoccupied and my life, charmed. Where was the surrender? I don't know. I thought I was compassionate though my judgements were swift and sure. I thought I was justified in stating loveless truths. God was always on my side. The world was wrong and I was not of the world. Surely it was my place to be righteously indignant...

Then, something inside me was broken by forces beyond my control. My fears rushed in. It felt like I had lost the worth that I had previously earned. My spirit shivered. It seemed like the air about me gave off a palpable discomfort.

So, I gave up.

For the first time, I truly realized that my best was just not good enough. Lucky for me, my not being good enough had already been taken care of. In my distress, I told God that He could do whatever He wanted with me. I was obviously screwing it all up. "I surrender". Then He started doing something. Honestly, it sucked for a while and was really uncomfortable. But, I guess change can only happen when you're made uncomfortable.

I started really seeing people. I mean, beforehand, I saw others. Now, I started seeing equals. They were popping up everywhere. I saw people who were worth knowing, not for a redeeming quality, but for the simple sake of knowing. At the time, it seemed like it was they who were becoming a we with me. Now, I see that it was I who became a we with them. I thought my heart would maybe grow stronger with the union. To my surprise, it was further broken. As my realization of my needs increased and my love began bleeding out, Christ held me together.

He showed me how life is meant to be embraced by making my heart flexible. I started loving Him unreasonably as He brought my pieces back together. I don't know if I can ever adequately explain the change. I do know that the questions seemed to turn into simple declarations.

Why do You love me? How is it possible that You could be so good? ...

You love me. You are good.

Previously, I thought my heart could fit the molds made by others. But, it was too hard. Only questions were left to fill the holes and ease the pressures. My ability to love was impeded by my inability to recognize the shape of my own heart. I thought it was fitting. I had been dulled to the draftiness of the fit. I had been forcing my heart to fit through sheer strength of will. And, with the best of intentions, I had miserably failed.

The change made my heart flexible. It would be foolish for me to claim that I now know its shape simply because it is constantly changing. However, I'm getting a better feel for compassion. Every now and again, my heart is squeezed like a sponge to fit another's mold. Every time it's squeezed, it leaks tears. Consequently, I cry way more than I did previously. But, I've taken solace in the documented tears of many of the Bible's masculine spiritual giants.

Life seems somehow lighter after the change... It makes me sad that more men don't see the joy of flexibility. I can say with certainty that my heart is not strong in any traditional sense of the word. Indeed, I can almost guarantee that it will be broken again soon. But, I have security in the knowledge that Jesus will be there every time to fix it up again. He has given me the flexure to bounce back from the brokenness. Now that my heart can fit more molds, I can relate to more people. Really, I think it's the fuller life Christ liked to speak of. For, love demands vulnerability. And, "we know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death" [1 John 3:14]. Before, I was saved, but I wasn't living eternally. Now, I recognize the ever-present need to do so due to time constraints.

It's quite strange really... I must live eternally now because I have a limited window of time in which to do so. There's a beauty in that though, the knowledge that the brokenness will eventually cease. That's worth living towards.

To people who like reading my writing:

Sorry it's taking me so long to put up something new. Spiritually speaking, I'm pretty thick-skulled most of the time. So, God has to work extra hard on me. Anyway, I just thought I should say that Jesus is awesome. And, if you haven't lately, or if you have and aren't otherwise occupied, you should take out your Bible and read a bit. I heard this sermon a few months ago about the importance of keeping an open line of communication with Christ. One part really stuck out to me. The speaker said that, when you read your Bible, even when you don't feel anything or realize it, the Holy Spirit is working inside of you. That hit me like a ton of bricks (or some other really heavy conglomeration of stuff with a moderate amount of surface area). I know it's a little obvious, but I'd never really thought about Bible reading that way. It was a spiritual song subject when I was five, then a heavy talking point in Sunday School until I was twelve, then a form of spiritual discipline and a way to study Jesus. I had never really realized that Word becoming flesh could happen through such a passive sort of process.

Anyway, my Bible has a gravity to it now that it never had before I started sharing my spiritual experiences more publicly (as they should be shared). I notice a difference in my days when I take time out to love on Jesus. It's a good difference. You should get to experience the same sort of thing. So, if you aren't busy, or if you can manage to take a while away from whatever time sink has your interest, go open up your Bible and spend some time getting lifted.

I just wanted to pass the Word along.

On Choice

Warning: The following post may be disagreeable to some. It might conflict with previously believed dogma, and it might offend. That's not my purpose in writing this though. I'm simply trying to capture in words what I've been led to believe in my quest to grow closer to God. Even if it is disagreeable, I hope that your reading this will challenge and strengthen your faith in the greatness of God.

Warning #2: This post is long and to be read in multiple sittings if needed.

Lately, the concept of predestination has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I've talked with some of my Christ-loving peers about it a little, but I can't seem to come to peace with the idea of an assured destiny. So, I'm writing my own personal thoughts on the subject. I welcome responses, comments and discussion. And, I pray that my writing this will not stir up dissension but will instead point to God's glory.

First, it's important to know my current understanding of the Calvinist idea of predestination. For reference, I recommend listening to an sermon by C. H. Spurgeon entitled "Non Nobis, Domine!" which is accessible here. The following is a transcription of the piece of his sermon that is of interest:

According to some men, it seems that salvation is mainly the work of the ceature. Christ died for him, but Christ may have died in vain unless he, by something that he does, makes Christ's death effectual. That kind of teaching, I do not believe because it throws the onus of redemption, after all, upon man and makes him to give efficacy to the redemption of Christ. Neigh, verily... But I believe that those for whom Christ gave Himself as a ransom price shall surely be His forever. And that He did really redeem them and needeth not that they add anything to make that everlasting ransom price sufficient and available for their deliverance. There are some who seem to think that the sinner takes certain steps towards God before God comes to him, but it is not so. The sinner is dead. And life must come to him from God, ere he can stir from the grave or even have a wish to stir there from. And there are some who teach that after a man is saved, he still needs to keep himself and confirm himself in grace in fact that his salvation depends upon himself... But it is not so. For He who has called us and has saved us has given us gifts which are without repentance which He will never take back. And having once loved us, He will love us to the end. We are firmly persuaded that He who has begun a good work in us will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. From top to bottom, salvation is all of the grace of God. (C. H. Spurgeon, Non, Nobis Domine!)

For the most part, I agree with what Spurgeon is saying. But, the bold points (which form his basis of belief) I do not agree with. Allow me to explain why.

• In Spugeon's saying, "those for whom Christ gave Himself as a ransom price shall surely be His forever," there is an underlying assumption that Christ did NOT give Himself for everyone. For, by this logic, everyone would then be saved. This I cannot accept. For, while I was dead in sin along with everyone else who didn't or doesn't follow Christ, there was nothing that should've intrinsically separated me from everyone else. For God to choose me above another would be an unmistakable example of partiality. I'll address this more completely later.

• "[A]nd needeth not that they add anything", in respect to salvation is particularly disagreeable to me. Here, Spurgeon is referring to a person's profession of faith and acceptance of Jesus Christ as Savior. He implies that, by stating an acceptance, the sinner is somehow validating God's grace. That is simply not the case. God's grace needs no validation. The fact is, without Jesus, none of us would have any way to ensure that a covering shroud of grace surrounded us. Redemption was made accessible by Christ's death and resurrection. But, as God is the God of love (which requires a choice), we are given the option of refusing to accept that grace. While the sinner is not adding anything to the salvation, acceptance is necessary. Or else, what does one make of Romans 10:9? This acceptance requires repentance on the sinner's part. For, what is the difference between one who says the words, then lives in sin compared to one who just lives in sin?

It appears to me that Spurgeon and I disagree on these matters, and probably those that are about to be covered.

Vital to my understanding is this: God loves us all equally. And, by "us all" I mean everybody. There is not a thing that a person can do to elevate himself above others. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus [Romans 3:23-24]. God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us [Romans 5:8]. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life [John 3:16].

So, God loves us all equally. We are all sinners, and, Jesus died for everyone. Spurgeon would disagree with me here insisting that, since the sinner is dead in sin and even his desire to be saved is inaccessible, he will not believe until after God has awakened his spirit through redemption. I would then ask Spurgeon what he makes of Romans 2:11 which says, "For there is no partiality with God [NASB]". Or, if he prefers different translations:

• NIV - For God does not show favoritism.
  
• Amplified Bible - For God shows no partiality [undue favor or unfairness; with Him one man is not different from another].
  
• King James - For there is no respect of persons with God.
  
• New Century Version - For God judges all people in the same way.
  

If God is impartial, not a respecter of persons, and without favorites, then Jesus must have died for all. There is simply no other option. Either God is partial and Romans 2:11 is not true (which would make God a liar too since 2 Timothy 3:16 says that all Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine...) or else Jesus died on the cross to redeem the entire world, not just a select few.

It's obvious though that not everyone follows Christ. This seems to imply that action is required on the part of the sinner. For, if action was not required, then our automatic redemption through Jesus would provide us with no ability to choose and would make us into human robots. Make no mistake here, I'm not claiming that choice is necessary for redemption. Were God to take that choice away, we robots would still be redeemed through Christ's death and resurrection. However, the choice is necessary for it to be a loving redemption. For, love can not be forced. The downside of this loving redemption is that not all people will choose to accept it.

This choice complicates the predestination argument. For, if God knows ultimately whether we will choose or reject Him, then Jesus wouldn't have needed to die for everybody. He could have died only for those He knows will choose Him. Because of this, and because there is no Biblical evidence stating the contrary, I believe that God chooses not to know. For, if God knows our choices, then freedom is merely a concept describing an illusory idea. Why does freedom disappear if God knows our choices? It begins with the end.

Our decisions are affected by our previous decisions. That's how life works. There's a journeyness to it. So, our final decision to accept or reject Christ's gracious gift of redemption is affected by all of our previous choices. It's no great mental leap then to claim that, if God knows our ultimate choice, He must also know those leading to it. And, the choices leading up, the choices made in the accessible present, not some elusive future, are the ones that complicate things. See, if God knows all of your choices, and if only truth can be known, then you've virtually already made them. That means, however you decide to live (if predestination is true) can have no different effect on your future. For, some future version of you already decided to make the decisions that you're about to make and was either saved or not because of it (or regardless of it depending on your interpretation). Likewise, another person's interactions with you (or lack thereof) were already weighed by your future mind in order to have already made the decisions you'll make.

"What are you taking so long to say, Curtis?"

I'm trying to say this:

If predestination is true, then every person is living on a pre-specified single life path. There is no hope for change in the sense that we know it today (some of us, I mean). For, a seeming difference in a life's direction merely moves one further along the path God already knew about and judged.

If that is the way that God is unlimited by time , you cannot ever positively affect another's life. There are just no alternate possibilities for comparison... no "could-have-been"s.

In my experience, living according to truth yields positive results. If God knows all of my choices before my present self has made them, then I could keep to myself until I die. Or I could go blow some city up. It wouldn't matter, because "those for whom Christ gave Himself as a ransom price shall surely be His forever." And, if Christ didn't die for me, then I was already destined for hell to begin with.

However, if God chooses not to know our choices infinitely ahead of time, then indeed we can change lives for the glory of God. In that case, if it were possible to directly affect others, it would make sense for Jesus to say, "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." [Matthew 28:19]

Now you might be thinking as some of my peers have, "Aren't you limiting God to being inside time with that argument?" No, I'm not. Here's why:

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. [2 Peter 3:8-9]

God is still not limited by time. But, He chooses to occasionally operate within its limits for the same reason He operates in space. We are limited by it. And, here's the kicker, He loves us. That makes me smile every time. Still, his time scale isn't linear. That makes Him awesome.

"That's cool, Curtis, but what about Jeremiah 29:11?"

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"How could God know what to plan without knowing our choices beforehand?"

That's a great question. Here's what I think:

There are these books called "Choose Your Own Adventure" that are made for preteens mostly. They don't read like normal books. When you're reading one, you'll eventually get to a page that says:

• If you push the shiny red button, turn to page X.
• If you exit the room, turn to page Y.

I always leave a numbered sticky note at that choice so that I can go back later when, after many more choices, my hero dies from some unforeseen danger or comes out on top. That's what I think life is like. I figure that God, being omniscient, is able to foresee every possible outcome to every choice in an infinity of possibilities. He doesn't use stickies. He just knows what could happen. And, if you're wise enough to ask for it or if you just get lucky, God will help influence your life for His glory which is always better. Though in one sense history has already been written, we get to choose how the story goes. I believe that this power of influence is what defines our being made in His image [Genesis 1:26].

I also think that God can at any moment see which path we will take based on our heart's condition [1 Samuel 16:7], which is determined totally by those things we allow ourselves to be influenced by. So, when I pray, "Lord, please help me conduct myself with meekness and love during the meeting," God looks at all the possible paths created by potential choices, and His Holy Spirit leads me along the right one.

Choice requires potential, love requires choice, and God loves us all. Therefore, He must be allowing each of us the potential to change our futures. For, He would not have created one with no potential to love Him. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. [1 John 4:16]

Now, let's take a second to figure out how God is glorified by all of this:

If we were predestined due to Christ's only dying for those He selected be first knowing their choices, if that was the case, then we'd really just be acting out a grand play give God glory. God could always depend on us to make the decisions He knew we'd make. This play would be His expression of love for us while we would be powerless to really express our love to Him. For, without choice, love is an illusion.

But if we're not predestined, then we are free agents choosing what to be influenced by and how to react. That makes us the most unreliable subjects ever. How great our God must be to have His will and be glorified in spite of our shortcomings! Also, if our choices are our own, then we really can have an effect on the lives of others. Therefore, it's important to live according to the will of the God we serve.

Though I could say more, I feel like this part of the thought is complete. I welcome comments and challenges.

Good Friday '09

So, I was sitting in the Wendy's in Jester today and trying to comprehend why a person would ever withstand being tortured to death for something they created. I don't think there's a paper I could write, song I could sing, or video I could produce that I'd die for. But, I guess media is a little shallow anyway. The closest thing to a human that I could create, provided I had the knowhow and mental competence to do so, would be a robot. Even then though, even if this robot could bring a great service to the world or something, I still would never be willing to be tortured and brutally murdered to spare its being destroyed. However, even though I don't have kids, I know without thinking that I'd die for them if I did.

There's a disconnect between created things and humans. Something about our humanity makes altruism possible and elevates our status to rulers over creation. I think it's the soul. I honestly have incredibly little figured out about the soul. But, in the simplest terms, I believe the soul is our provision for similarity and potential intimacy with God. So, when God was chatting with Jesus on the very first Friday about what to cool thing to make next, He said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." [Genesis 1:26]

It had never occurred to me before just how big of a deal that was. If Jesus was willing to die for us, then He must have thought our being able to live fully and become intimate with Him was more important than His continued living. That just blows me away. I can't really grasp what that means, but the Spirit is on me right now, and I feel the statements truth.

In Colossians 1:15-17 says this: He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

So, it's Jesus' job forever to hold creation together with mind. There He was in Gethsemane weeping and sweating blood from the intense stress of the weight of the world on HIm; there He was battling with an intense inner struggle and holding everything together.

There He was, held down, the whip biting into HIs flesh and shooting fiery pain through His spine into His brain; there He was hurting more than He'd ever hurt before and holding everything together.

With a thought He could've done away with the whole of creation. That sends shivers through me. Jesus, in whom all authority lies, could have, with no effort at all, just stopped holding everything together. I always think about planets exploding when I write or say that...

Back to Jesus: there He was being hoisted onto the cross, blood loss making Him dizzy and fatigued; there He was with nails in His hands and feet holding it all together. At any point, He could've called more than twelve legions of angels to take care of Him [Matt. 26:53]. He could've just stopped caring, stopped holding it all together. But He didn't.

Why? Why did He go through with something so horrible?

He did it for love. Jesus is in love with us. He died so that we'd all have the chance to truly live. Then He rose again and put death in its place, because He's in love with us. Even though we all act like idiots most of the time, there's something inside each of us that Jesus finds attractive. That makes me smile.

Now, I want you, Reader, to take a minute or two to sit still and try to realize how in love with you Jesus is. Minimize this window. Stop instant messaging or worrying about the stuff you need to get done and just BE for a minute.

I guess Easter is sort of like Valentine's day. It's a celebration of the most devastatingly beautiful act of love ever to be performed. Jesus must be a hopeless romantic.

I hadn't initially planned on writing something so directly applicable to the coming Easter celebration, but it doesn't surprise me how this note has turned out. I usually start writing one thing, then remember some scriptures that agree, then end up writing something else that I hadn't previously thought of. As one of Christ's disciples, all spiritual gifts are accessible to me, and prophecy seems to come out in my writing. I don't really know who I'm writing this for, but I'm sure there's someone who really needed to read this. If you're that reader, don't ignore that you were just thinking about something like this. It's time for you to start doing whatever it is that you have been too afraid to do for a while.

Happy Easter!

Faith and The Will

This has been on my mind for some time, and I feel like I need to write it down. So I am.

What is the will?  I've been grappling with this question for a while, and I've decided that I'll probably never now.  Suffice to say, I have a will.  So, there really is no question of what it is or how it changes or influences the things around me.  The will just IS.

I think the will is the essence of a being.  I think the will is what makes that being identifiable and unique. I have no idea what it means for a being to have an essence.  It's an intangible sort of idea that escapes like fog through fingers whenever I try to grasp it.  But, I think there is something to it.

So, I wondered how this all related to God.  I wrote a note a while ago about how Jesus could just flex things into happening with faith acting as a sort of spiritual nerve ending.  My ideas have changed a little bit since then. I think faith has a more tangible sort of manifestation.  I think faith is really more about action.

The church is the body of Christ.  I like to think literally.  And, I don't think I'm wrong in a literal interpretation of that idea. Jesus ascended to heaven.  I have no idea how He flew.  But, I believe He did.  Now, we, His followers, are the conduit through which He physically interacts with people.  Our physical actions, motivated by His love, are His actions through us.  This idea is staggering and dangerous.  If we are HIs representatives, then the world can only know Christ through our actions...

Our service defines the God in whose name we serve to those who we are serving.  If we greet others in warmth and meekness, Jesus is seen as a lover.  However, if we greet others with condemnation and anger, Jesus is seen as a condemning judge.  I've been floored by this a little lately, and I think I'm finally starting to understand the fear of God.  I never really got it before.  But, I've just had this revelation of responsibility.  It's big.  It must be a great God who can trust His followers to accurately portray Him.

That's my microscopic, localized understanding of the body of Christ.  The macroscopic, global understanding is where faith really comes into play.  Before I explain it, I'd like for you to try something.  It's simple, incredibly doable, and familiar to you.  If you will, move your thumb up and down.  Keep doing that.  Now, think about exactly how you're doing it.  What is it that you do to move your thumb?  I have to admit that I've thought for a long time and I'm stumped.  All I know is this: my thumb moves when it is my will for it to move.  For, my thumb is always within my realm of influence.

It's like seeing an open kitchen cabinet from across the room.  You see it, want it closed, then close it.  First you move across the room so that it is within your arm-span, your realm of influence.  Then, you will that your arm would move that the cabinet would shut.  And, it shuts.

So, back to the thumb analogy: what if your thumb had nerve damage?  Only the healthy part would be within your realm of influence.  If there's nerve damage, even if you will your thumb to move a specific way, it will only move in the way that it is able.  So, if we are the body of Christ, if we are the physical manifestation of His will, then each of us is sort of like a nerve.  If we are faithful, then we'll do what is needed without knowing why it is needed.  We'll sense His will in us, then act our part.  But, if we don't...if we say no in that moment the Spirit is leading us, then our part of the body is made to contort awkwardly and is unable to function fully.

An unhealthy church is like a sickly contorted hand.  It attempts to bring comfort but ends up scratching instead of caressing.  Its extension brings horror and fear rather than comfort and security.  [Read "Stumbling Toward Faith" by Renee Altson for an incredibly frightening illustration of this.]

If the world is to change, we must be the agents of change.  That means acting when the Spirit leads us.  That means walking in tune with the Spirit so that we are sensitive to its direction.  That means saying "yes" to Jesus every day.  That means saying yes even when it's easy to say no, even when saying yes makes us uncomfortable, even when a situation seems foreign and bigger than our yes.

My God is the God of love.  Love is His essence.  All love seems grand because it is an image of Him, Eyeh Asher Eyeh.  Love is voluntary.  It can not be forced because it is defined by and therefore totally relies on the will.  A person cannot love because.  Love is not because.  Love is.  So, there's a choice required.  I don't really understand the compatibility of choice and the will, but I recognize the constant presence of a choice.  God, wanting to reveal His essence, continuously gives us a choice: yes or no.  I'd just like to urge my readers to say yes.  It's so much better to say yes.

It occurs to me that Mary could've said no.  There must have been a bunch of other virgins in the area who would be happy to give birth to the One Righteous.  But, after Mary found favor with the Lord, she was given the chance to be used.  She said yes.  And, she was blessed for it.  The world was blessed for it.  I'm convinced that there's no way Mary could've grasped just how big a deal her saying yes was.  She must've known the implications of becoming pregnant.  It was the most uncomfortable and adverse of situations. But, she said yes...

We are the generation that can bring about a change in the way the world sees the church.  We can be a healthy hand outstretched and welcoming.  But, we won't be if everyone doesn't do their part by saying yes to the Spirit.  Ephesians 4:16 says that the body of Christ grows and builds itself up as every part does its work.  So, if the church isn't growing, it's our fault collectively.  For, the highest cannot stand without the lowest.

What if we all said yes to the leading of the Spirit?  I've got to say, the idea is exciting.  But, it won't happen if we don't all do our work.